So Bad It’s Good: Pitching Love and Catching Faith

Tyler goes to sit under the lights at the Salt Lake Community College baseball stadium, and Brandon walks up to sit next to him. Well, Brandon has a secret he’s needed to spill since earlier in the film at the diner when he was like, “Bro, I have something to say about Heather” before all the ladies sat with them.

So, this one time, during freshman year (so, last year at community college?), Brandon went to a party. You know, an alcohol party. He got so wasted, and woke up next to Heather in a bed! Brooooooooo.

He felt so guilty, and has a hard time discussing the fact that he might have once had sex with a woman. You know how dudes are, they be banging girls and feeling so guilty about it the next day because of their non-descript, never-disclosed religious beliefs. That’s just how your average college man is.

And this isn’t to mock people that choose not to have sex – the movie never makes clear that Brandon has made that choice. He’s always warning Tyler that Heather is a tricky minx, but his motivation makes zero sense (even after this moment). Brandon’s sad acting is hilarious, too. He makes a frowny face like a pouty child that dropped their ice cream at the zoo. He’s so emotional because he woke up next to a gorgeous, successful woman, and might have had sex with her. He doesn’t even know for sure! Then, out of nowhere, Tyler jabbers on about his dead mom and how spiritual she was. I don’t understand why any of this is in the movie.

“Bro, I might have nailed your girlfriend,” is shrugged off by this character who has never kissed as if Brandon has just said that he recorded a game without the consent of Major League Baseball.

Remember this is a baseball movie? I don’t.

Kami goes to bother Heather while she’s working out using biblical allusions that would make Kirk Cameron go, “huh?”

“Did you get Samson to fall?” That’s what you went with, writers? Heather is this Delilah figure coming to rob Tyler of his strength and turn him over to a hostile force? Well, Kami tells her that Tyler was just trying to get Heather to join his church and impress the baseball recruiter… which is half true, but doesn’t even matter. Heather gets mad, and tells Kami to get out of the apartment complex’s exercise room. Can Kami do something in this movie that doesn’t involve sabotaging Heather’s relationship with Tyler? We really haven’t even seen her do that. Tyler isn’t into her, and she only shows up to annoy Heather, one of the people that she lives with. Why come all the way to the gym to antagonize your friend? At least we learn Heather is doing something aside from dating a guy.

Now Tyler is ironing his shirt when his sister walks in. Things are over between Tyler and Heather because her ex showed up to ask for her hand in dating or whatever, and Tyler will not put up with a woman who looked at a man with lust once. He’s got more important things to do, like baseball. The conversation continues to not come out and say things like “Christian”, or “Jesus”, but is sure to dance around them in explaining what his issues are. No one can say what it is that’s driving them to these insane decisions. Sister thinks that Tyler should talk to Heather, but he’s not so sure. 

Why?!

What the actual heck is happening?

Five minutes ago, Tyler was some great guy who can look past any indiscretion. Now he’s mad Heather knows a male that isn’t him. What is going on? He’s playing baseball. He likes this girl. She likes him. Nothing makes sense, and that’s the only tension here! Maybe if the characters took a second to discuss their religious motivations things would make sense, but they never do. Not even the still unnamed sister.

Moments later – since we’re still in Tyler’s apartment and he’s wearing the shirt he was ironing seconds ago – Heather barges in and claims she has a surprise.

…the guy asks his girlfriend.

There are ten seconds between her saying, “I have a surprise for you,” and his response, captured above. It’s ridiculous. Who takes ten seconds to answer a question with a sarcastic quip? Not the quickest wit in the west. Heather wants one more chance, and they can talk about their relationship somewhere more private than the entrance to the living room of Tyler’s house. There are so many more private places than one’s own home. 

Heather blindfolds him and packs him up in her Jeep for the drive to a cabin. He’s blindfolded because he did that to her earlier for a surprise… I guess? But he peeks like a jerk and sees that they’re at a cabin. She walks him inside to a dinner that is somehow prepared at this cabin they’ve driven out to from the city. He excuses himself to the restroom to check his phone for no reason. You’d think she had put lipstick on and made kissy faces at him. He makes her turn on lights, and then asks to bless the meal that has surely been sitting here for hours. (Seriously, where did the food come from?) Then he gets a call, but then he suddenly doesn’t have service. Then she accuses him of turning her into his little missionary project, and it turns out that wasn’t a real thing that Kami told her because he’s a good guy; remember?

“Why were you dating me?” She asked. Great question. Then she says, “Kami told me about the baseball recruiter”. She’s right, he did kind of use her to launch his major league career.

Even though they both like each other and wanted to date, they’re sitting here arguing about stuff that doesn’t matter because he made the team and barely even used her. He gets mad that she believed Kami over him, because he’s never in the wrong. Heather says something like, “You’re so different, you changed me.” Get outta here, movie. Heather is a great girl, and she deserves so much better than this pious, wishy-washy cockwomble.

The worst thing she has done in this movie is desired a happy relationship with a guy who wants to kiss her. Is that so bad, movie? Clearly your answer is, “yes.” 

Somewhere along the way in this crazy movie, Heather fell in love with Tyler. She has changed her entire life (except not really) for him because he’s so vaguely religious. Then she asks him if he feels the same way…

Does his heart long for her like that? 

Well, his answer is…  

“No.”

Ah… that’s the feel-good, old-fashioned love story we all know and love. Woman falls for chaste religious man who can’t be bothered to reciprocate any amount, just like the fairy tales of olden times.

Who is still watching this movie? Why am I? The main character doesn’t even like the love interest. This is such a waste of time. 

He goes outside and wanders around like, “Oh, whoops; did I say that out loud? Because she has the keys…”

Not a joke.

That’s really why he’s upset.

She drove him out here to confront him with dinner and accusations of trying to make her Christian, and he’s like, “Why would I say that when I was blindfolded and she drove?” He spends most of the next five minutes looking for keys, but then he finds Heather passed out on a bed, and he starts rubbing her out of love or whatever.

This movie is almost over, I can’t be bothered to interpret action.



He drives her home, and there’s a bad country song playing. Kami comes outside to wake Heather up because she passed out in her Jeep. She feels like she made a fool of herself, and then the sister exposits about how Kami lied…

Thank goodness the movie doesn’t care enough to do anything but exposit because I don’t either.

Now flashbacks from the movie are playing, because the filmmakers had to hit ninety minutes and had no other way to. The song played over the top goes something like, “I’m missing you, M-I-S-S-I-N-G you” because Heather is missing him and he is missing her and they’re remembering the movie together. 

Then Heather is at practice, which was definitely filmed at the same time as the opening montage. Tyler walks up to hit – again, in practice – and nobody is phased. Heather is pitching to him like it’s normal, and then he just walks up to the mound, he brings her the purity ring to show her he loves her, and the extras stand around and watch.

Thus ends the clunkiest romance film to ever exist.

The woman changed (supposedly), the man kinda changed a little, and love… well it’s basically implied.

They kiss at least, because we all acknowledge that isn’t a big deal.

What were the creators thinking? This isn’t a cute cat-and-mouse romance, it’s a creepy misogynist movie that isn’t even bold enough to get into the meat of what it’s trying to say.

Who would watch this and think this is the worldview they should live by? And what is that worldview? Who came out of this looking good?

Only a “So Bad It’s Good” movie could be this incompetent all around.

The characters are props to tell a bland story about opaque ideas that are never interesting to watch. The acting is mostly terrible, and that’s a big contributor to the confusing tone of the film. Actors are supposed to be convincing me to buy what’s happening, and that rarely ever happens, not to mention the lack of baseball in a baseball movie. Tyler could’ve been a welder and the plot would not have been affected, just a couple of locations and some of the words people say.

Movies don’t magically become exciting because your protagonist is a big-time athlete. Stick to the mundane, everyday world most religious films thrive in.

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COMMENTS

  • <cite class="fn">Daryl Ned</cite>

    Wow!! 10 page critique by Mr Jacobs? We enjoyed the very unique and sensitive handling of the subject matter of the movie! It was very interesting and novel! Thank you so much! Interested in watching more of your movies! Thank you!

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