So Bad It’s Good: Pitching Love and Catching Faith

Since that clumsy conflict establishment is out of the way, Heather’s going to get a poorly introduced wrinkle of her own.

“Hey, girl, long time no see,” Kelsey says as he pulls Heather off the ground. I think that line is supposed to convey that he’s smooth and attractive, but it is not at all. Heather didn’t expect him to be here, but we didn’t either so who can blame her? We knew nothing about him, he’s seemingly from here and not Florida… was he overseas with the military? “Did you forget we were going out,” he asks, and she must have because she was dating Seth earlier, not to mention the whole Tyler thing.

What is happening?

She then says that they had “this” planned, and before we find out what that means, he’s telling her she’s hot. Not only can this film not efficiently convey information, it can’t even stay on topic for a full sentence. And what does this guy mean to the film morally? Is this making some statement about military spouses cheating? Is he the reason she’s so hot for kissing? Or did she corrupt Kelsey with her succubus lips? Kelsey asks her out to her favorite restaurant, and despite her pleas he won’t take “no” for an answer.

We go back to Heather’s apartment where Tyler’s still unnamed sister is slicing vegetables. They’re gonna talk about the only topic they are allowed to discuss in this movie: Tyler. Heather is dying to know whether or not he’s ever kissed a girl, and apparently his sister knows the answer to that question because they have an overly close relationship. Wheels start turning in Heather’s head, and she connects the dots on all of Tyler’s super creepy behavior. It’s because he’s a virgin, not because he isn’t attracted to her!

Yay, maybe she has a chance at a man after all.

Here’s the inside scoop on why Tyler hasn’t kissed – according to his sister, he was in a club with his friends as a kid. One of those “no-girls-allowed” kinda things, where they all decided not to kiss girls. Out of all the guys, Tyler is the only one who still hasn’t kissed a girl. The movie thinks Tyler’s no-kiss pact is a high moral standard, but sounds like Tyler is gay or asexual but feels forced by his religion to pretend he just hasn’t found the right girl yet.

People can decide whether or not they kiss other people, but the movie also wants to act like this is some kind of noble high road. Not poking someone with your face is far from the peak of moral action.

Now it’s nighttime, and we’re seemingly done keeping track of the movie’s timeline. They’re sitting in an empty office building in downtown Salt Lake, the same building they used to shoot the city b-roll.

Restaurants usually don’t have foldable tables with office chairs that sit alone with nothing else in sight.

When did Tyler agree to go on a date with Heather? Or the other way around? Knowing this movie, she asked him out and he was too bashful to say no.

We saw each of them ask someone else out two scenes ago, but now they’re together. Tyler gives her a gift because he’s leaving for baseball – and it’s a purity ring!

What’s a purity ring? Tyler says, “It just means do the right thing, make good choices.”

No, that’s not what it means. It’s a sign of chastity that shows you are not “dtf”. When Tyler gives you one, it means you need to go find a dude who doesn’t do hymen checks on a girl’s lips before he can date them. It’s not a WWJD bracelet, or a Spike Lee movie. It cost him like $20-30 at Wal-Mart or Zales, this is serious business.

And Heather is really into this purity ring. She tells him to close his eyes, then spends twenty seconds putting on lipstick. She leans in to kiss him – oh no!

Fortunately, the purity ring acts as a forcefield, and she remembers to make more Jesus-y choices by rubbing her lipstick on a napkin and shoving that on his face. Is that allowed within the not kissing rules? Can she kiss a napkin and put it on his lips? Can they rub their genitals on a napkin and call it not having sex? Did I just discover a new category on PornHub?

Well, Tyler is really into her lip napkin, so it’s a win all around. When he arrives home, Brandon is amazed by the barely visible lip mark on his face. Brandon replies that this is part of her ploy to tempt him into kissing, and then he claims to know juicy secrets about her. Tyler isn’t phased even though there are “some things about her that are questionable”. This is all garbage dialogue that portrays the film’s misogyny, but what’s really annoying are the decorative candles that two single men have in their bachelor pad. Because when guys in their twenties are decorating an apartment, they buy huge, unusable candles that sit around making the place look like a model unit for when buyers come to visit this complex.

The film is going to cut to outside a Cinemark theater, but we will not be going inside. This is a shot to show us where people at one point were before we move on to what happened after. Maybe they could show us who was on the date at the Cinemark; was it Tyler and the ranch lady? Was it Kelsey and Heather? It doesn’t matter, because we cut from the theater to a car, and then to Heather and Kelsey walking while Tyler and girl are within her view/earshot. Which couple was in the car? Were they both at the theater? This is such a weird way to put this together. Why not show Kelsey and Heather walking? They could walk, we could hear the laugh, she could look over and then we could see Tyler and the girl. What is the need for all the other stuff? It’s not as if we’d miss this monumental exchange:

Kelsey: So your roommates are gone tonight?
Heather: I love the air out here.

Why did he even say anything if she’s going to ignore him? Why even have her with Kelsey? The whole point is for her to rush over and get mad that Tyler is with a girl, but she doesn’t even get the moral high ground if they’re both on a date. 

What’s great about Heather’s exchange with Tyler’s date is that it makes up for a scene Lala didn’t get on ‘Vanderpump Rules’.

Jax is a flirty douchebag who is dating a woman named Brittany that lives in Kentucky. He flirts with Lala, and understates his relationship with Brittany. They may or may not bang, and then Brittany moves to LA. Lala never gets her moment to say, “Hey, Brittany, your dude was running around saying he was single.”

Well she does here, but it’s so terribly acted by everyone involved except for Lala.

Imagine walking up to a person you were talking to while they’re standing there with another date – you’d be a little confrontational. But what if that person didn’t know how to react to human beings? She’s basically dropping canned goods and ranch dressing, while Tyler tells her Heather is his sister. How can such a simple scene become so convoluted?

Heather drags Tyler off, and ranch dressing lady disappears from the plot. After a jump cut, Tyler asks about Kelsey, but it’s nothing so he doesn’t need to worry.

So why did any of this happen?

Then she asks Tyler why he hasn’t kissed her, even though she knows the answer because his sister told her a couple scenes ago. What she should be asking is why she isn’t “the one”, even though she shouldn’t be asking that after like three dates or whatever because that is ridiculous if you know by now that he hasn’t kissed anyone. However, he still has yet to actually tell her that, nor will he explain why. He just says “timing” before wandering off into the night because Kelsey walked out of Heather’s apartment.

Heather looks at her purity ring and realizes she can’t let Kelsey kiss her neck.

Wow, hasn’t she changed so much?

This is a completely new Heather from what we saw earlier, right guys?

That’s what the movie seems to think because that’s what Kelsey says. But Heather doesn’t seem different at all because she’s barely a character.

It’s time to remember that it isn’t just the lines in this movie that are trite, it’s also the song lyrics:

“I’ve been broken so long, so long, feels like forever.
I’ve been lost, so lost, where I’ve been I can’t remember.”

Yeah, these lyrics really capture the essence of this “will-they, won’t they kiss” romance.

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  • <cite class="fn">Daryl Ned</cite>

    Wow!! 10 page critique by Mr Jacobs? We enjoyed the very unique and sensitive handling of the subject matter of the movie! It was very interesting and novel! Thank you so much! Interested in watching more of your movies! Thank you!

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