2. The Godfather (1972)
[In the tune of “I Want To Know What Love Is” by Foreigner]
“You want to know what film is?… You want me to show you?… You wanna feel what film is?… You know I can show you…”
Cinema has never been so cinema to the film bruh as it was in 1972, back “when things were simpler”.
It’s like all of the immense masculinity on show in The Godfather spoke to this particular brand of douchebag’s inner Lion, and now they can never look beyond the first time they saw film stock look so beautiful yet dull, the hair of a person look so swish and shiny, the smoke and violence seem so… delectable.
This is a favourite film for the person who wants to appear cultured while not actually doing any research – a firm and objective “best of all time” film that they can lean back on and know they won’t be challenged for choosing, whether they’ve seen the film or just a bunch of YouTube clips from it.
If you ever come across one of these dudes, ask them about their favourite non-Godfather Marlon Brando role. They’re almost guaranteed to quote the universally recognisable “I coulda been somebody” or mention his cameo in Superman, but either way they’re only going to prove how incredibly narrow their spectrum of film viewing has been until that point.
1. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
“Because it speaks to something very fundamental within us: the triumph of hope and persistence over overwhelming odds.”
A genuine quote.
The bland-man’s hot-take favourite is without a doubt, seemingly always, The Shawshank Redemption.
People love a good story, and they’re even more in love with those that include a heart-warming narrative of overcoming prejudice and bad fortune, and that’s why The Shawshank Redemption is the favourite film of every movie fan who’s only ever seen Marvel movies, Star Wars, Batman and two of the Jurassic Park films because “they just weren’t the same after Spielberg left”.
The Shawshank Redemption is the favourite film of every guy who has a 30-strong DVD collection made up exclusively of bad horror films and has never understood film in any way beyond the emotional weight of a film’s plot.
Shawshank is so popular because it’s inoffensive and refuses to challenge you, because it fains “real issues” but doesn’t ask that you actually look inward or change anything. It’s a boring, bland choice for a guy who’ll perform nothing but missionary and leave you waiting for a bathroom break to sort yourself out. Other favourites in his collection include one of the less good Marvel movies (because he just has to feel so different) and Forrest Gump.
Beware all who enter into situations with those so desperate to shout about these films, for they signify a dark future in which you cringe at the thought of a douchebag ex.
We suspect there’ll be any number of you shouting at your screens right now with suggestions on which films should have made the cut. So have at it in the comments, let us know what your douchebag ex was wax lyrical about, and make sure to share this with your friends.