The Only Movies Your Douchebag Ex Has Ever Seen – Top 10

5. Fargo (1996)

“THE CINEMATOGRAPHY!”

This particular brand of unbearable arsehole is the kind who thinks he’s a feminist but actually only believes in equality when he can facilitate it and therefore gain emotionally or physically from it. He’ll tell you “you can be powerful”, so long as it’s his male-fantasy ideal of powerful and not actually anything you yourself may have imagined. He may even question your very gender if you’ve never seen this certifiably male-written and male-directed “masterpiece of feminism”.

Honestly, just tell him to f*ck off and watch Fargo on your own instead. It’ll save your eyes the strain of rolling into the back of your head every time he mansplains an element of the film to you.


4. Oldboy (2003)

“Violent is it? Have you even seen Oldboy?”

Oldboy is the male-douchebag-fantasy for people who see themselves as intellectually superior to the wankers shouting about Memento.

This film has a momentous twist that “you’ll never see coming”, but that won’t stop this particular bell-end from spoiling it anyway. He’ll note the film’s iconic one-take hallway massacre as a stunning revolution of cinema, and if you ever play Film Trivia with him, most of his answers regarding foreign film will be in some way related to this South Korean title.

This is a favourite for the guy who googled “most violent foreign film”, watched the first result on Putlocker and then kept that experience in his back pocket as some kind of intellectual currency; a classic for the guy who’ll leave you only to call you in 5 hours time and ask for a lift home from whichever park or pub he’s been “thinking” in.




3. American Psycho (2000)

“I believe in taking care of myself. In a balanced diet, in a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches.”

This is a film about the horrors of white masculinity that sadly attracts the love and adoration of every poisonous white guy you’ll ever meet – please note man-children, this is not an aspirational tale… you should never, under any circumstances, want to be like Christian Bale’s Patrick Bateman.

Like Memento and Fight ClubAmerican Psycho paints the picture of the Earth being the white man’s palace, where he can be and is anyone or anything, his actions bringing about as few consequences as a banker embellishing billions of dollars and causing a worldwide recession. Here, this commentary is worthwhile and ever-relevant, but the film’s actual intentions are as irrelevant to these ruthless “bros” as you’ll be once they find out you don’t shave your armpit hair or something.

The American Psycho stan has never seen a film released before the year of his own birth and will likely never find a woman over the age of 25 attractive, all the while blowing gas about how disciplined, impressive and important he is.

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COMMENTS

  • <cite class="fn">Will</cite>

    Somebody is really hating themselves and their inadequate female life here for sure
    Sorry every movie isn’t the freaking Notebook.

  • <cite class="fn">Katie D</cite>

    Possibly the best article on the whole damn website

  • <cite class="fn">Monica</cite>

    Aww, I was quite fond of Donnie Darko when I was in high school fifteen years ago. That said, my biggest takeaway from it was the Gary Jules’ cover of Mad World. Well, that and the idea that “cellar door” is a beautiful pair of words. (The most beautiful in the English language? Definitely not. But yes, beautiful.)

  • <cite class="fn">Joe Bloggs</cite>

    What a pile. Terrible, passive aggressive journalism.

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