Everybody “loves” movies, but have you ever come across the type of person who claims that you can’t possibly love movies as much as them if you don’t understand the intricacies of Tarantino’s foot fetish? The kind of person who will swear blind that they would never have become the artist they think themselves to be without seeing that Christopher Nolan film everyone’s seen? You know the type… they went to university to “find themselves”, but all they found was a great big chip on their shoulder that they seem intent on making everyone else’s business in some strange attempt at self-validation. Tell us again about how Fincher’s nine hundred takes per scene are deep in of themselves, my dude – we’re all enthralled by your outstanding knowledge of this one suuuuper niche topic.
These are the types of people who may, for a brief moment, appear intellectual or interesting, but once they’ve wormed their way into your bed will stay there without invitation for the next three months, eventually chastising you for your choices in clothes and your apparently “robotic” choices in movies – why don’t you just unlock yourself from all of that studio-driven, corporate shilling and watch a real “picture” like The Godfather? The irony here will, of course, never be lost.
We all know the type; but how do you avoid making said mistakes and falling deeply into sex with a person so fundamentally narrow-minded and judgmental? Well, handily there are some telltale signs to look out for, and perhaps the most obvious is their choice of favourite film.
In this Top 10 list, we’re looking out for all of those poor souls who may one day lose weeks, months and even years of their lives to undeserving assholes with superiority complexes, and reversing said assholes’ unfounded judgement back on to them to present our 10 choices for The Only Films Your Douchebag Ex Has Ever Seen.
If you’re ever at a party and someone begins to be wax lyrical about any of these films, run…
10. Pulp Fiction (1994)
“It’s like… cinema, but completely unlike anything you’ve seen. Really, how can you say you like film without seeing the most important release in modern history?”
Your go-to douchebag will dub Pulp Fiction a revolution, a new standard bearer of outlandish techniques and originality without ever truly acknowledging where Tarantino got any of his inspiration from. They’ll throw shade at your go-to film because of its linear narrative and ask just how many “mother f*cker” quotes your favourite movie has in it.
The kind of person who judges others for their choices of films while listing Pulp Fiction as their life-inspiration is the same kind of white person who wants to say the N word and will defend Tarantino’s troublesome gender politics to the hill with no remorse. If you’re just meeting him, know that he’ll never respect you, and if you’re just leaving him… good riddance.
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9. Fight Club (1999)
“But what about that twist?”
Man, we all know about it whether we’ve seen it or not, so how about you and others like you do us a favour and save us hearing it for the 999th time?
We get it, you’re such a revolutionary. Your not-so-secret God complex of being anyone and everyone, and sticking it to the man, are just so badass we can’t comprehend it.
Oh wait… we can, and guess what dude… your time is up.
Nobody needs the pseudo-right-wing bullsh*t philosophiser “just playing devil’s advocate” to every possible discussion topic, and this guy is definitely that guy. He is well and truly the centre of his universe and hasn’t quite yet come to understand how the established order he’s fighting against is actually just himself…
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
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