Your Holiday Guide to Bad Christmas Movies

5. Girlfriends of Christmas Past

Christmas Past Movie

If you thought this would be anything like A Christmas Carol, you were wrong. The film shows its quality from the get-go, as we are jarringly acquainted with two of the main characters at the end of a Thanksgiving meal. In the strange, convoluted plot, three women get revenge on the man who dumped them around Christmas. Their plan? Make him pay money to charity, make him fall down, and ruin a business meeting he’s having at a country club that also appears to be a house. That last sabotage takes up most of the film. Watch as the protagonist’s new love interest mansplains all of her faults to her, and listen to the multiple instances of bad karaoke. There’s a surprise German accent for the cherry on top. At least the plot is something that has been achieved in a good film before.

Available on Hulu

4. A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale

Christmas Movie A Dogwalker's Tale

Here’s how I imagine this script came about; after multiple rejections from studios, writer Jake Helgren (the auteur behind Girlfriends of Christmas Past) quickly changed the setting to Christmas. Suddenly, this mundane plot about saving a dog park becomes a mundane plot about saving a dog park at Christmas. Luce, who is billed second despite being the protagonist, is a rich college student whose parents are off doing “charity things” for “kids and Africa and stuff.” After racking up obscene amounts of credit card debt, she begins walking a neighbor’s dog for money. At the dog park, she meets Dean, a veterinary student who dreams of being a professional dog walker. Will the college kids save the dog park for the several citizens who use it? Find out in this cinematic-adjacent look into the lives of people with literally nothing better to do than go to the dog park at ten o’clock on a weekday.

Available on Hulu

3. My Santa

My Santa Christmas Film

It’s The Santa Clause 2, but on bath salts. Santa’s son, Kris, has been on a decade-long journey to find a wife, and he must have one by midnight on Christmas Eve or he won’t be able to replace his dad. How does he find a wife? By going to malls and dressing up like his dad. He has some magic, but it comes and goes. Meanwhile, Jen is a reporter and single mother who doesn’t have clearly defined goals except getting her son an action figure. There’s kind of a love triangle involving a man who may or may not be orange, there’s two wacky sidekicks, and there’s a debate on the morality of inner-office relationships that culminates in one of the strangest non-sequiturs I’ve ever seen in my life. Be prepared to hear dozens of iterations of “it was just a lucky guess” when Kris accidentally uses his mind reading powers. If you love a terrible rom-com, this movie can’t be topped.

Available on Hulu

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Leave a Comment