Your Holiday Guide to Bad Christmas Movies

8. Christmas Wedding Planner

Christmas Wedding Planner Netflix

Kelsey was raised by her wealthy aunt, and now has the chance to plan her cousin’s wedding to start her wedding planning business. Things turn south when the bride’s ex, a private investigator, shows up to investigate the groom and maybe ruin the wedding. The film is chock full of wacky music and sound effects to go along with the cartoonish characterization. Kelsey randomly writes texts to her dead mom(?) that this writer seems to think is a great substitute for subtext that mostly left me confused. The third act will baffle you. If you dream of a wedding weekend pseudo-spy thriller, like Gossip Girl and the last season of One Tree Hill meets Wedding Crashers, this is the closest you’ll get to your dream.

Available on Netflix

7. 12 Dates of Christmas

12 Dates of Christmas Movie

It’s Happy Death Day except instead of finding a murderer, it’s the worst blind date you’ve ever witnessed.

Kate is a professional businesswoman who is hung up on her ex. After being sprayed with perfume, she lives the same day over and over. Despite being about the blind date, the film insists on being about the ex for way too long. The initial interaction with the blind date is one of the most uncomfortable scenes I’ve watched in a clean film, and not in the way it’s supposed to be. The filmmakers also can’t distinguish between dramatic irony and poor communication. The best thing I can say about this film is that it doesn’t look or sound as bad as the rest of these films.

Available on Hulu

6. Joseph and Mary

Joseph and Mary Christmas Movie

Set design that would make Ed Wood shudder. Bartleby, the Scrivener was apparently in charge of making the characters look like first century Israelis. The acting is on par with bad community theater. The eponymous couple is arguably not even the focus. Joseph and Mary brings the story of Jesus’ birth and early life to screen, but it’s kind of in the background. The story is really about a drunk rabbi named Elijah who marries a woman whose husband and kids were killed by the Romans. She seeks vengeance for her family’s slaughter (way less interesting than it sounds), and he faces the struggle of whether to be a revolutionary or not (cannot emphasize how boring it is compared to my description). It’s like if Life of Brian was unfunny and had way less action. The film’s message is in favor of maintaining civility and the status quo over bringing about social change. Despite Herod literally murdering babies and children, the film believes the moral thing to do is sit idly by and let injustice occur. It also manages to sneak in the idea that taxes are bad. If you need a religious film to watch, but you want to laugh, this is the trash for you.

Available on Amazon Prime

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