10 of the Worst: Remakes/Reboots
To make the list, these films had to be so bad that they made us wish they’d never been made…
Disclaimer: There may be spoilers ahead.
10. The Italian Job (2003)
Wait, this film’s set in Los Angeles?!
Director: F. Gary Gray
Starring: Mark Wahlberg; Charlize Theron; Edward Norton; Donald Sutherland; Jason Statham; Mos Def; Seth Green.
Brought to us by: De Line Pictures; Paramount Pictures.
Even once you get over the ludicrous notion of setting The Italian Job in Los Angeles, USA, this film still sucks. Sure, there’s a semi-cool heist and some of the rebooted Minis scooting around, but this film lacked all the charm and guile of the original and left us all-but forcing ourselves to care about the outcome of the story.
9. Herbie Fully Loaded (2005)
So many special effects, so little wow.
Director: Angela Robinson
Starring: Lindsay Lohan; Michael Keaton; Matt Dillon; Justin Long.
Brought to us by: Robert Simonds Productions; Walt Disney Pictures.
The once comical, adorable and downright inspiring Herbie was lacking in everything that brought it to the dance for Herbie: Fully Loaded, but that didn’t stop them from trying to ‘wow’ us with some of the worst special effects imaginable, further distancing itself from the stunt-driven originals.
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8. The Pink Panther (2006)
Steve Martin needs to get a clue.
Director: Shawn Levy
Starring: Steve Martin; Jean Reno; Kevin Kline; Emily Mortimer; Beyonce Knowles.
Brought to us by: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM); Columbia Pictures; Robert Simonds Productions.
This film was about as insulting as it was funny, with Steve Martin (a class act in his time) failing to hit a single home run with a terribly constructed script. Everyone hated this movie.
7. Around the World In 80 Days (2004)
So many bad puns, including a Schwarzenegger cameo.
Director: Frank Coraci
Starring: Steve Coogan; Jackie Chan; Jim Broadbent.
Brought to us by: Walden Media; Buena Vista Pictures; Walt Disney Pictures.
The gif above is worth a thousand words regarding the ‘bad puns’ portion of this number 7-ranked worst remake/reboot. Die hard fans may claim that this is more true to the book than the first movie, but that’s about all it has going for it. It was so wacky that even Jackie Chan couldn’t pull it off.
6. The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
Bad effects, worse acting.
Director: Scott Derrickson
Starring: Keanu Reeves; Jennifer Connelly; Kathy Bates; Jaden Smith; Jon Hamm.
Brought to us by: Twentieth Century Fox.
Boasting an Oscar and Emmy-winning supporting cast it’s perhaps hard to imagine The Day the Earth Stood Still being poorly acted. But, with Keanu Reeves in a central role during his career quiet period post-Matrix, these performers really failed to produce. Speaking of which, everything else failed to produce too…
5. Terminator: Salvation (2009)
A rant deserving of a huge apology to the fandom.
Starring: Christian Bale; Sam Worthington; Anton Yelchin; Helena Bonham Carter; Bryce Dallas Howard.
Brought to us by: The Halcyon Company; Warner Bros; Columbia Pictures.
It was intended to be the reboot of a franchise but, after an incredibly under-developed script, a Christian Bale rant, way too little of ‘old Arnie’, and gun fight scene after gun fight scene making this film feel more like a really long video game trailer, we won’t be getting another one. And, for fans of the franchise, “good riddance!”
4. The Wolfman (2010)
What were they thinking?!
Director: Joe Johnston
Starring: Benicio Del Toro; Anthony Hopkins; Emily Blunt; Hugo Weaving.
Brought to us by: Relativity Media; Universal Pictures.
What was this movie? Was it a horror? Film Noir? Fantasy? Couple its messy vision with an awfully predictable set of twists provided by the casting of ‘bad guy actors’ as ‘good guys’ and unreasonable differences between the CGI monster changes and the monster suit, and you have an awful movie.
3. The Time Machine (2002)
They shouldn’t have gone back..
Director: Simon Wells
Starring: Guy Pearce; Mark Addy; Jeremy Irons; Samantha Mumba.
Brought to us by: Warner Bros; Dreamworks SKG.
This HG Wells masterpiece was brought back for the 21st century by Dreamworks and Warner Bros, resulting in more of an Indiana Jones knock-off than the timeless classic (pardon the pun) that the original was. Casting an almost unknown pop star as the lead antagonist’s ‘best friend’ was also questionable. This film should never have been made.
2. Planet of the Apes (2001)
Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Director: Tim Burton
Starring: Mark Wahlberg; Helena Bonham Carter; Tim Roth; Michael Clarke Duncan; Paul Giamatti.
Brought to us by: Tim Burton Productions; Twentieth Century Fox.
Tim Burton and Twentieth Century Fox could’ve been forgiven for their cliché-driven plot and almost nonsensical conclusions to minor battles or disputes within Planet of the Apes if it weren’t for two things: Mark Wahlberg kissing a monkey… and, well, Abraham Monkey (as illustrated in the gif above).
1. The Wicker Man (2006)
Director: Neil LaBute
Starring: Nicolas Cage; Ellen Burstyn; Leelee Sobieski.
Brought to us by: Milennium Films; Warner Bros.
This is undisputedly Nicolas Cage’s worst performance ever, and we all know that he’s had his fair share of stinkers. Furthermore, this supposedly ’frightening’ thriller is completely incapable of producing any feeling other than embarrassment. It was a tragedy so large that we’ll never forget it.