3. A Christmas Story
There is undeniably something charming about the brazen attempts of a cheeky chappy trying to get exactly what they want for Christmas. However, there is a very small window of how long a child’s brattish attitude towards the festive season can be viewed as cute….
The litany of “I want! I want!” is usually quashed relatively quickly; often gleefully by embittered older siblings. However, we have all met people who continue to be entitled little sh*ts well into adulthood.
You can usually characterise such individuals by fat trust funds, private education and ultra-conservative politics. This particular re-write focuses on such an individual – a certain blonde-haired public figure.
Let’s not be mistaken, “BoJo” has had to work hard to get the things he wants. Boris has spent the best part of 15 years belittling all those who have previously held the office of Prime Minister for example, and alongside his legacy of £43 million of Public money wasted on the Garden Bridge during his time as Mayor of London, it is clear that he is over-qualified for this office – obviously he deserves it, elected or unelected.
Still this blonde little boy isn’t satisfied, because you see what he really wants for Christmas is… Brexit!
Hard, soft, whichever, he just wants to get Brexit done.
He’s tried going above the board, casually slipping in his plans during a session in the House of Commons, but his plans were immediately rejected with cries of “You’ll shoot the UK’s eye out!”, so he tries alternatives: when forced to write a letter to Brussels asking for a delay to his coveted Brexit, he adds a sulky P.S. outlining how he thinks that an extension would not be a good idea at all.
When faced with an angry Parliament and General Public, he heroically drops his supposed friends into hot water by withdrawing the whip!
But Boris’ childish behaviour achieves nothing in getting his beloved Brexit: by firing the likes of Winston Churchill’s own grandson from the Conservative Party, there is no way he can get Parliament to agree with anything he wants to do! Majorities Bojo, you need a majority!
As such, the best plan that our selfish-willed Boris can muster is to call a General Election just before Christmas, but then this makes all the grown-ups jolly cross indeed – we all have better things to do at this time of year!
That said, you can’t help but fondly admire the scamp’s efforts: he is quite literally willing to do anything to deliver Brexit, including causing food and medicine shortages, tearing up Human Rights as we know them, irrevocably damaging UK trade and spitting in the face of Irish history by tearing through the Good Friday Agreement.
Despite the ripples of humour these antics send through our bodies, we can’t help but to dread whether our Christmas turkeys will be devoured by Bloodhounds.
4. The Nativity
This is it! This reason for these winter festivities (alongside pagan Winter Solstice roots). Part of “The Greatest Story Ever Told”, The Nativity regularly steals the thunder of the Easter Story, with there generally being more hype around Christmas (there is only so much excitement chocolate eggs can deliver).
As such, familiarity with the story of The Nativity traverses denominations and is even known to those outside the Christian faith.
Alongside the charm of all the funky elements of shepherds, kings, angels and virgin births; The Nativity provides hope to those enduring the darkness of the winter months.
The baby boy born in a stable reminds us of the true humble nature of love, showing the emptiness of gestures made by billionaire multi-corporations against the strength of ordinary people standing up against injustice and sharing what little they have. But, after a nine-year Tory rule marked by an exponential rise in food banks, UN investigations into the treatment of the disabled and growing child poverty, the profession of Christian faith by the Religious Right leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
When considering the actual conditions of The Nativity, you do have to question these claims of faith: an unmarried, middle eastern couple in which the mother-to-be’s betrothed isn’t even her baby’s father doesn’t exactly scream Nuclear Family does it?
So, as Christianity becomes more entwined into the uncomfortable nationalistic identity of the UK, my re-write of the true story behind Christmas follows as thus.
We still have all the old favourites from the original: A new star in the sky heralding the birth of a new king; a poor couple desperately trying to find a room in the dead of night; and a baby boy laid in a manger whilst a chorus of Angels fills the sky.
Shepherds and kings come to adore the baby, but The Magi come with a warning: Herod the Great, King of Judea, does not take kindly to the birth of the supposed new-born king of Israel.
A detour on the way back to Nazareth that would take a few years is advised. Therefore, The Holy Family make a perilous journey into the wilderness to seek refuge from the wrath of Judea’s despot.
They finally they arrive at their destination – Egypt. But oh no… Egypt suffered a famine about a decade ago, and instead of a fair redistribution of the food, the ruling classes have selfishly indulged in the cream of the crop whilst the masses go hungry.
After ten years, the starvation pay rate of the ordinary Egyptians has caused civil unrest, which threatens the status quo of the Pharaohs. Instead of addressing their self-made injustice, the Egyptian kings plant the lie that it’s the immigrants causing the mass starvation. As such, new border control is put in place at Egypt’s borders and The Holy Family are turned away. Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus have no choice but to return to Israel. Tragically, they fall victim to King Herod’s Massacre of the Innocents, with Jesus joining the countless male infants slaughtered in Judea.
The Messiah never lives long enough to fulfil his destiny, and humanity is never delivered into salvation.
5. A Charlie Brown Christmas
Just like Charlie Brown… it’s Christmas, but I’m not happy.
Being a part of a grassroots entertainment organisation, there is some wariness in publishing such a time-sensitive piece as this, but for me this article was an obligation – a duty even – and I’m not alone.
We’ve seen many emotive and opinionated headlines regarding the Election by the likes of The Sun and Daily Mail. But, unlike these publications, The Film Magazine is not owned by Billionaires. We are very ordinary people with no corporate affiliations, vested interests or obligations to shareholders.
This is more than simple satire. I am getting on my knees and imploring that all our readers from the UK vote on the 12th of December, and vote with their conscience.
I am an ordinary person and I have seen the extent of the misery that the near 10 year rule of the Conservatives has done to this country. We’ve had disillusionment in the public sector workplace from teachers and in the NHS, to children not getting the most out of their education because of hunger and cuts to services quite literally leading to the loss of life.
In a period of the year in which we’re encouraged to give, to love and to empaphise, there seems like no other choice but to end these modern atrocities against the peoples of England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales come the 12th of December.