You know when you’re watching a horror film with a really, really predictable story line, and you spend most of the film shouting at the characters for being so immensely stupid? And you know that if it was you and your friends in there instead of them you’d know exactly what to do and how to get out alive?
Well as we’re always creeping ever closer to Halloween, we’re taking all those things we scream at stupid horror film characters and turning them into life lessons, just in case, you know, you ever find yourself starring in your own horror film.
1. If a serial killer breaks into your house, don’t run upstairs.
Remember in Scream when Ghostface asks Sidney if she like scary movies?
What’s the point? They’re all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can’t act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It’s insulting.
Unless you’ve got a rope ladder to climb down or a trampoline to land on the upper levels are not your friend, the front door is, and probably your car keys too.
2. If its abandoned, it could also be haunted.
In fact it probably is haunted and that’s probably why it was abandoned in the first place.
3. Always be prepared to sever your limbs in order to escape.
And if you’re lucky like Dr. Lawrence Gordon in Saw, the person who chained you up and then forced you to saw off your foot so you could escape might also make you a prosthetic one.
4. Sometimes ghosts are kinder than humans, the same can be said of aliens.
Sometimes ghosts are nothing more than our guardian angels and the ones we need to be weary of are alive and kicking somewhere near by.
5. Not all clowns are children’s entertainers.
6. If it’s fenced off, it’s fenced off for a reason – do not enter!
Just like abandoned places, there’s a reason for it and you will probably not escape. Just keep walking!
7. Don’t go chasing ghost stories – you’ll probably end up in one.
Because once you track down the ghost and find out the truth, you know too much and you never make it back to reality, nevermind normality.
8. If it’s dark and there’s a chance something could be lurking in the shadows, don’t go there. And if you insist on going, take a torch and maybe a crow bar.
And if you do come across anything, make sure it’s actually a malevolent being before you kill it and not just some other kids messing around somewhere they shouldn’t be, because isn’t that always the way in horror films? The first thing you find in the shadows is actually just another person trying to find their way out.
9. The Tooth Fairy can be evil, and not fairy like at all.
I mean this isn’t too bad:
But when this is what’s hiding underneath…
And it wants to take your child after they’ve lost their last baby tooth… it’s pretty terrifying. Guess we’re lucky we don’t all live in Darkness Falls.
10. If you have to recite a prayer at the beginning of a video game its probably a seance and you’re about to raise a blood countess.
Too bad nobody told those kids from Stay Alive this before they played that game.
11. Don’t have sex.
Okay so this one we learnt from Mean Girls rather than a horror movie, but it’s still true, perhaps not the pregnancy part (contraception kids!!) but if you’re in a horror film and you have sex, you’re gonna die!
12. If your friend’s head falls off they’re probably not okay!
13. Never sleep.
Because you might wake up dead!
An explanation of how you can wake up dead is offered by Mahalik and CJ in Scary Movie 3.
14. Watch plenty of horror films so that you know exactly how the bad guys operate and how to outsmarten them.
Learn from other people’s mistakes.
15. If you think you’re in a horror film, you probably are. Run fast, run far!
Take all the advice we’ve given you and use it to get the hell out of wherever you are that you shouldn’t be!
Any life lessons we missed? Send us your suggestions and we’ll post them.
By Kat Lawson